I have been amazed over the last few days at how the pieces of the puzzle for my treatment plan have begun falling into place. It has been an eye-opening experience for me in walking by faith and learning to release even the smallest details to God. We have experienced God’s providential hand in orchestrating some of my doctors appointments and dialysis training appointments. To me, it seemed as if we were at a standstill, simply waiting for far off appointments when God was working behind the scenes. I spent many a day calling to see if there were any cancellations at the nephrologist office and it seemed as if I was pushing a rock up a hill making no progress. I was trying to orchestrate even the smallest details on my own. I wasted so much energy trying to force each detail in place when God kept saying to me, daughter, rest in me, trust me, and allow me to work the details for your good.
When I finally opened my hands to God and surrendered each detail, I experienced relief and peace in my soul, a deep peace that can only come from the Lord. I was reminded that this momentary challenge can be used by God for His glory and He will provide me the strength through the power of the Holy Spirit to endure the unknown.
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.(2 Corinthians 4:17-18)
I think deep down we all have a tendency to try to control the details of our daily life. My need to control often comes from the fear of the unknown. That fear, though seemingly real, often clogs up my thoughts and emotions, leaving me raw and tired. Not to mention pushing my blood pressure up high. It seems I need to continually work on releasing that fear to God so I can live with a renewed sense of peace and trust in Him.
God is amazing and patient, He would remind me frequently, often more than one time a day, to rest, sit still and breathe. I finally opened up my fears to Him in prayer and took God’s advice to just be still and breathe. To my amazement, the next day there was a cancellation at the nephrologist and we were off and running in making the appointments for some of the final details that need to be put in place before we can move forward with removing my kidney.
A quick summary-I will be doing home dialysis once my kidney is removed(peritoneal dialysis) and will need a catheter placed in my abdomen by a surgeon, which will take 2-3 weeks to heal. My appointment with the surgeon is in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, I will be meeting with a dialysis nurse to go over all the details on dietary restrictions and dialysis once my kidney is removed. I will be having surgery May 22 to look at and remove any tumor regrowth and at that time we will need to determine when we will remove my kidney.
Lots of pieces to the puzzle floating around, but it is all falling into place. God is providing us each piece of information in an order that we are able to absorb and understand. In the meantime, life continues forward. Things have returned to some normalcy for us and we’ve been encouraged by the normalcy. It fascinates me how God has used each situation along this journey to teach me something. I don’t know if it’s my stage of life or simply the fact that I have no other option, but I do know that without God life would seem bleak. I can’t imagine walking this journey without Jesus, my family and my friends. It is one thing to share my struggles in my blog, but it’s another to truly walk this path in true authenticity with our family and friends. In my act of surrendering each day, I have found God faithfully guiding me and walking both with me and before me. And by doing so I’ve found that by sharing my struggles with my family and friends, and with you all in my blog, we’ve all had an opportunity to grow together with Christ.
The act of surrender has always been difficult for me. It is really easy to say, “Lord, I give this over to you and trust you for timing and outcome,” but often I keep trying to pick up control and then experience anxiety over the issue. I am learning through prayer, and staying mindful of my anxiety level, how often I need to surrender each day. God is showing me I need to physically open my hands each time in prayer, releasing my fears and my attempt to control the day. This physical act on my part reminds me He is in control, His plan is far better than my own, and that He loves me deeply.
Is there a fear or struggle in your life that you are clinging tightly to? Today, won’t you open you hands in surrender and release them into the capable hands of our Lord.
Grateful for your prayers,